Divorce can be brutal and navigating the complexities of intimacy and sexuality after divorce can be challenging, however you can get through this difficult time and eventually thrive.
Sadness, anger, loneliness and all-consuming grief can be overwhelming after separation. They certainly were for me, after separating from my husband of more than twenty years.
At times it might seem like there is no light at the end of the tunnel however it does get better and it’s ok to feel bad and sit in the pain but there are some small daily rituals that can help you start to move on and heal. The four pillars of health are vital: sleep, diet, exercise and mindfulness are key
In the early days of separation and divorce, I found that small practices brought light and tranquillity into my day, becoming foundations of my daily routine. I developed a night-time ritual that calmed my nervous system, had a candlelit bath, and turned my phone to silent.
My redesigned bedroom, with fresh linens and comforting pink cushions, became a sanctuary. With a good night’s sleep, I set my alarm for the same time daily and meditated upon waking, finding noticeable benefits in just a few minutes. Using free meditation apps like Aura, I then wrote in my five-minute gratitude journal, which helped boost positivity and well-being by focusing on three things to be grateful for daily.
I would dry body brush, throw on my exercise gear, and go for a walk. Leaning into exercise during separation made a massive impact on my well-being. Establishing a nurturing routine was key. Maintaining a healthy diet helped me look good and think clearly. Visiting my local farmers market meant my kitchen was always full of delicious, nourishing foods.
Establishing a nurturing routine can be key to overcoming crisis. Although I was tempted to indulge in comfort foods, maintaining a healthy diet helped me look good and think clearly.
Visiting my weekly local farmers market meant my kitchen was always full of delicious nourishing foods that were low cost and the markets were a great way to connect with people in my community. I occasionally had treats but would get back on track without stressing.
This all seems really serious and like “textbook” advice you might get from any self-help book; eat well, sleep well, exercise, and be mindful (yawn), but along this healing journey and dedication to these four pillars, I learned to have fun too. I decluttered my wardrobe, making light of the old “sad” undies I would “never” wear again, and restyling my underwear drawer helped me set an intention for a future fun life with endless possibilities.
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I created a sanctuary for myself at home, focusing on a haven that reflected the new me. At little cost, I changed photos in frames, bought a cork board of favourite memories, and included images of me laughing with friends, shifting my perspective to gratitude for the time shared and looking forward to moving on.
Speaking of moving on, as I got stronger and continued to heal, my friends encouraged me to “get back out there” and date. My daily morning rituals meant I felt mentally strong and comfortable in my body.
When it came to sex and intimacy, I was ready. I focused on my own desires first. Explore your body with masturbation and sex toys This self-awareness helps guide future relationships while understanding your likes and dislikes.
The dating landscape has significantly changed since I was last single and there are many ways to make connections, such as dating apps and organised events like local speed dating. Find a dating app that suits your needs, such as Feeld for hook ups or Hinge for more meaningful relationships. It may all seem pretty daunting at first, it certainly was for me, but if you can try to make things fun and light-hearted, it will be all the more enjoyable.
Set healthy boundaries and communicate desires clearly to build connections while prioritising safety and comfort (no premature or non-consensual “dick pics”). With dating apps, progress from texting to a phone call or Facetime, and if meeting in person, choose a brief encounter in a public place and keep friends or loved ones informed of your whereabouts and plans.
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Rediscovering sexuality after divorce is a big adjustment, and bodies may not look or function as they used to (sagginess abounds and hardness may potentially not be so hard), but attraction is about connection and takes time. Communication is key, and taking things slowly can help, so even if dating seems daunting during early separation, opening yourself up to new connections can be exciting and amazing when you’re ready.
Once you meet someone you feel connected to, take time to build trust. Trust is fundamental in any relationship and develops in stages. Unconditional trust takes time to build and is essential for deep, lasting relationships.
The journey through divorce is not linear, but taking small steps to recovery over time meant I started to thrive beyond my wildest dreams; intimacy and sexuality are distinct yet interconnected, and the most crucial relationship is with yourself—be kind, communicate clearly, set boundaries, and embrace love and connection.
Kiz Harvey, a respected figure in the field of mental health advocacy and personal development, has recently launched of her latest venture, Kizmet; a podcast dedicated to navigating the complexities of intimacy and sexuality after divorce.
