Do you feel wary and find it hard to trust people? Or do you aim to please people, and engage in people pleasing behaviours in order to try to keep them in your life?
You might be experiencing fear of abandonment. This is the overwhelming worry that people close to you will leave you.
All of us are vulnerable to developing a fear of abandonment. This fear or anxiety can be triggered by troubling or traumatic experiences that you had as child, poor peer relationships that developed in your teenage years, or a distressing relationship in adulthood. It can also occur when you might be unlucky in love, and your anxiety about being left spikes during experiences of dating or disagreement.
This worry can make it very challenging to maintain healthy relationships, and it can also impact your mental health. This worry can convince people that it is best to isolate themselves, to withdraw, or to ‘give up’ on dating. Some people’s anxiety about abandonment may even mean that they intentionally or unintentionally tank their relationships to prevent themselves from feeling this distress or pain.
Fearing abandonment is not a clinically diagnosable term, but it can be a symptom in some mental health disorders. It is usually a form of relationship anxiety, which include frequent feelings of doubt, insecurity, nonstop worry, and a need for constant reassurance that can occur during a relationship. This anxiety can be closely linked to early childhood attachments and is often a sign of an insecure attachment theory.
How can you tell if you have a fear of abandonment?
These can be symptoms and signs that you might fear abandonment:
- You’re overly sensitive to criticism
- You have difficulty trusting in others
- You have difficulty making friends unless you can be sure they like you
- You take extreme measures to avoid rejection or separation
- You have experienced a pattern of unhealthy relationships
- You find yourself getting attached to people too quickly, then moving on just as quickly
- You find it difficult to commit to a relationship
- You find yourself working too hard to please the other person
- You blame yourself when things don’t work out
- You stay in a relationship even if it’s not healthy for you
Healthy human development and experiencing effective relationships requires knowing that physical and emotional needs are met. During childhood, we generally get this reassurance from parents or other primary caregivers. During adulthood, we usually get this from close personal and romantic relationships.
How does fear of abandonment start?
Significant events can disrupt this assurance at any age and life stage. When this happens, abandonment fears may develop. Events that can trigger this fear of abandonment include
- Death. Death is the final chapter for all of us and it can be extremely distressing, and sometimes traumatic. Losing a loved one unexpectedly can trigger fear and anxiety that can lead to this worry about abandonment
- Abuse. All forms of abuse including, but not limited to emotional, psychological and sexual abuse, can create lingering mental health issues, including a fear of abandonment.
- Poverty. If someone’s basic needs are not met, and they are unable to feel secure and safe, they might develop beliefs that they will never have ‘enough’. This may lead to anxieties or worries that relational elements like love, attention, and friendship, are also limited.
- Relationship loss. Infidelity, breakups, and ghosting are very common life experiences. For some of us, this can be very distressing and painful, and it also may lead to lingering fears.
Societal expectations, gender roles, and cultural factors can significantly exacerbate the fear of abandonment for women by perpetuating the idea that their worth is closely tied to their relationships and their roles as caregivers.
From a young age, women are often socialised to prioritise the needs of others, particularly in romantic relationships, which can create a deep-seated fear of being left or unappreciated. Cultural narratives that idealise self-sacrifice and emotional labour reinforce this anxiety, making women feel responsible for maintaining connections at all costs.
Societal stigmas around being single or childless can intensify fears of abandonment, leading to a heightened sense of insecurity and dependence on others for validation and self-worth. These pressures can make it harder for women to establish healthy boundaries and foster self-esteem, which can influence their fear of being alone or unloved.
How can you manage fear of abandonment?
Once you know you fear abandonment and it’s having an impact on you, there are things you can do to work on it. You might benefit from self-care and making sure your managing your anxiety through important avenues such as sleep, exercise, adequate nutrition and healthy distraction activities like hiking or reading. You could also seek out the help of a psychologist who can help you overcome fears of being abandoned. They’ll also work with you to understand if anything else is going on for you, and what you can do when you sense the worry approaching.
Carly Dober owns Enriching Lives Psychology and is the director at the Australian Association of Psychologists Incorporated and Body Safety Australia. She works alongside Headspace App’s global team and professionally covers topics including but not limited to; mental health, depression, anxiety, stress and burnout, anger management, phobias, relationship difficulties, sexuality and sexual development.Â
